The child I will never have

Before I became a mom, it was always clear to me that I was either going to have two or more kids, or none at all. It didn’t even cross my mind to have an only child. Before having kids it was clear to both me and my partner that we wanted to have kids, but we never discussed the number. “We will see” we said, but I was sure that it was going to be at least two.

And then we became parents, and it hit us like a tidal wave. The whole giving birth process was a traumatic experience for me and the years after were so very intense, that it took us a long time until we had a moment of tranquility and pause in order to talk again about things with my partner. But in the middle of the storm, with sleepless nights and a feeling of solitude being a mother, discussions between my partner and me became quite often. But yet, I knew I wanted to have more children, I knew I wanted to give my child that sibling. You see, my siblings have always been a very important part in my life, and my sister has been the person I can talk to about anything. I did not want my child to miss that, I did not want to deprive my child of that wonderful experience. If I could give him a sibling, why would I choose not to? And then one day my partner said “I do not want to have any more children”. And it again hit me like a bomb. I could not believe he meant it for real. I knew I could not force him if he did not want to, but inside I felt anger towards him, like wanting to say “why did you not tell me from the start you only wanted one child, maybe I would not have agreed to even have any kids at all”. I know this might sound selfish. I know nobody knows until you experience parenthood. But to accept that my son was going to be an only child, it just broke my heart. To accept that I was never going to be pregnant again, to give birth again, that I was never going to have another baby again…you see, despite all the trauma and intense years of parenthood, I started to miss those days when our son was so little, when I could carry him in my carrier, nurse him until he fell asleep, rock him, and I truly loved being pregnant. I did not have time to really savor that experience, I did not know it was going to be the last one. And so my mourning began, but I did not feel I was entitled to mourn, after all, I already had a child, so what was I complaining about? “Be thankful for what you already have” I heard some say when I wanted to talk about it or “you can’t have all in life, can you”. So I decided not to talk about it with anyone anymore. Maybe because of fear of sounding selfish or ungrateful, after all, they were right, I already have a healthy child, is he not enough? He is, and yet, I am sorry I have this longing inside me to become a mother again. And I feel guilty about it.  I feel sad when I see him playing alone, while other kids are playing with their siblings. And it’s hard to admit but I also feel jealous when I hear other women are pregnant again, it is like..why can they and why can´t I? Of course I feel happy for them but it also reminds me they have something I want so much and I just can’t have. And I suffer in silence. It is there with me, every day, it is there when I am with my child, it is there when I see other kids, it is there when I see other families. And it is there when I am with my partner, who is the one "depriving" me from that. I gave up asking for it as I do not want to feel sort of like a dog begging for food..I wonder if it will ever affect me in a long term, will I ever be able to feel happy at all? Will I finally heal and feel ok with the fact of only having one child, or will I mourn forever that child that could never be? I do not know yet. There are days where I barely think about it but some other days I just want to take all the baby clothes out I was saving for that sibling and burn them all down. I know it is a process and maybe I will need to ask for help. Don’t worry about me, I will be fine. I am strong and my mental health is important to me. If I can´t heal by myself, I will ask for help.